Hi … My Name is Nancy.

Negative, Nancy (In my best Sean Connery voice). All throughout middle and high school, people called me Daria. It would be years before I properly understood the reference. And yes. I am very much like her, olive-green jacket, army boots and all.

By the way this is an absolutely thrilling show about the travails of a young woman finding herself in the midst of consumerism,  pop culture, and peer pressure.

BLAH BLAH BLAH  Daria = cartoon Roze!!!

That being said, there always seems to be this cloud following me. And instead of being lined with silver  it occasionally rains asbestos. [I HATE clouds!!!]

Why is my life such a fart, you ask? {I have no idea how to punctuate that. Kudos to you, public school.} Mostly for a series of reasons I have concocted entirely on my own. It’s like A Beautiful Mind, except instead of making up secret operatives and omnipresent best friends, I hallucinate reasons NOT to be awesome. And then I ask strangers why they can’t see them. {If you haven’t seen this movie, EXIT! BLOG! NOW!!!}

Here’s a few of my hallucinations:

1. EVERYONE around me is in a relationship. … FALSE. It’s just hard to ignore obnoxious Siamese twins that spam Instagram with their organ-sharing gaiety.

2. The government is slowly stealing hours from the day. … FALSE. There are 24 of them, I counted once while “studying” for a final.

4. Discipline and perseverance will guarantee success in academia. … FALSE. … School is a trap engineered by alien scientists to stop us from building pyramids and communing with our ancestors.

… no wait, that was a real hallucination. I’m so sleepy…

5. I will never accumulate enough awesomeness in my mortal body to rival the likes of Beyoncé, Oprah, and Olivia Pope. … TRUE. [Can’t really contest that.] GAWD!! Scandal is cocaine and Shonda Rhimes is my PUSHER!!!

6. Professors think I’m only taking one class. HOW DARE your class need 6 textbooks!! I have 4 other like-minded instructors. I spend more time a day reading than Bobby Brown does trying to make his teeth touch! I have calluses on the index finger and thumb of my right hand, like I work out with q-tip dumbbells!

I can’t really think of anything else…

I keep asking my peers for bits of motivation, hoping I’ll stumble upon some golden truth that will cause all my chakras to align and I’ll ascend into heaven like Ray Lewis after the Superbowl. But that won’t happen. I won’t become a productive super saiyan overnight.

AAARGGHH!!! I just wanna wake up awesome one day.

The score will read Roze: 1 Life: 0. I currently reads an imaginary number for me. Like negative “i” or something as equally Ludacris. {That man will FOREVER taint the spelling of that word. Him and Fabolous}

I forget what I’m talking about. I’m tired! Bye!

… Apparently I over-use the word awesome. I’m getting help.