I am not unhappy. Moderately depressed from time to time, yes, but not UNhappy. I don’t shun smiles or darken my windows with black velvet curtains while considering tattooing on my eyeliner (although that would save me time). I just refuse to lie. There’s nothing wrong with being unhappy, so turn your smile upside down if that’s what you feel. Don’t Disney Channel censure yourself  with glittery duct tape to make others comfortable. Forget FUCK others! Smart people are often unhappy, or find fewer moments to smile, but the moments in between are GOLDEN!

I would have made a terrible cheerleader, I’m certain of it. But I still could have tried. I still should have gone to a tryout and maybe I wouldn’t have been a completely horrible base; perhaps an awkwardly tall flyer. Or maybe the petite blonds at my high school would have made fun of my frizzly brown hair. Maybe I would have cried. But I’ll never know now, because smart people don’t take unnecessary risks. They don’t open themselves to fresh hurts. We just keep picking at old scabs; sojourning nightly to cemeteries to exhume fresh skeletons to populate our closets.

But I take heart in my real smiles, my true laughs that start deep in the earth’s core and travel up my feet. They shake my insides, tingle my spine, and come orgasming out of my mouth. THOSE are the best. I am not unhappy. I just happen to spend 6/10 of most days deep in contemplation, turning and turning over the mechanisms of this world, terrified by its possibilities.  Living lies that are not my own  and experiencing an algorithm of emotions. This phrase alone is incalculable. I start as a prisoner in my bed, shackled by my tears, and wardened by Netflix, then suddenly I’m free. Pardoned by a selfish ray of Shawshank Redemption

I am not unhappy. Happiness isn’t two monochromatic poles, it’s a spectrum. You’re just thinking about it wrong.  At any moment I can live on any of the 50 shades of archipelago grey  in between. I am not UNhappy. Or happy. At least not all the time. Does that answer your question?

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