The Ketchup

For my upcoming birthday I am giving myself success… or at least opportunities to attain it. I interviewed Friday and spoke with my soon-to-be-employer; she’s super enthusiastic to have me start immediately. I’m attempting … {cringes] to date.  I’m looking into grad school options, and doing a lot of personal inventory. Finally, as it pertains to this blog, I plan to establish a schedule for posting. Here goes:

Sunday (bi-weekly): The Ketchup

Thursday: List/Rant

Any Other Day: Reposts

Ok, so for this bi-weekly Ketchup I’ll fill you in on whats been filling my headspace..

There is no such thing as a big break! (I know, SHOCKING!) For many of the fields in which I have interest, a “famous” person could “put me on”. They could stumble across my work and immediately see value in it. But how, I query, will they see me if I am not yet a big enough stumbling block? I need to be a huge, obtrusive, stub-your-toe, unignorable cinder block. Without that work what would it matter? If I did meet the right person? What do I have but a head full of ideas without a body of work to support it?

Depression is like chronic ringworm, but thankfully motivation is like showering.

I WILL NOT tolerate people that don’t respect the sanctity of a relationship. Let me explain. If you hit on me and you’re in a relationship, I will SMITE you. Done. Worse still, are the people (I’m sure men and women are guilty, but as I am a Hetero woman, it comes from guys) who insist that a friendship could be maintained, or that friendship was their initial intent {viscous side eye}. Here, take my hand. Please allow me to guide you onto the path that will illuminate EXACTLY where you had me messed up! Take an everlasting musical chairs tournament worth of seats!

(I’m mad all over again… smh)

In parting I leave you with this. If you listen carefully, you can shake you bom-bom and be joyously inspired!

Negative, Nancy … now Roze Goes. (Get it, because life is an adventure?

Do’s and Don’ts

Well mostly don’ts…

“Society” (the nebulous, all-encompassing, omnipresent and potent pit into which we throw all our taboos and constructs, no-nos and blame-shaming) is full of edicts for how women should think and behave. In fact, there’s one right there! Society tells us that society tell us things ::makes Cornell West hand gestures::. Throughout my life I’ve stumbled upon a few truths on the path to unlearning some of the things “Society” has taught me. I’ve put together a list (you know how I feel about lists). Here are a few things I think like-minded young ladies should do don’t; a to-don’t list:

  1. Don’t keep apologizing. If you’re not a compulsive liar, or just intent on hurting someone’s feelings, you probably said it because you meant it. Why are you sorry? For taking up space? For not giving in to someone else? For having a different opinion or perspective? For standing up for yourself? Taking care of yourself first? There’s a difference between being polite and being a doormat, honesty and rudeness. Be who you are, say what you mean, and be unapologetic. (but don’t wield your truths all up in nobody face, juh chill)
  2. Don’t be so afraid of wasted time. I know. Whether it’s on a wasted endeavor, or a failed relationship time is the commodity of which we have the least. Every second you’re alive your cell-turnover rate slows and you creep closer to death. I understand. But you can’t let that stop you from filling as many seconds as possible with meaning. So savor your breakups, learn from your mistakes and build on the time you have left. Regret is NOT a time machine!
  3. Don’t be so nice. Stop the sweet-like-honey act, you just end up catching flies. Who wants flies!? Catch butterflies! catch dragonflies! catch DRAGONS!! Especially when it comes to guys. The world is not some male-driven customer service experience. You are not ice cream. “Nice” is not a flavor you have to offer yourself in. Stop busying yourself with small-talk, remembering co-worker’s birthdays, and making sure you hand sanitizer for everyone if that’s not who you really are. You can be kind, forgiving, understanding, and genuine without being made-up “nice”. Lame.

Blah-zay, blah-zay squash. I think I’ll keep this up. My List of Don’ts. I’ll periodically update when the inspiration strikes.

In parting I leave you with this…

Roze Goes

Return of the Mack

You know what’s really $#!^!? Resentment. It creeps up on you quiet like a sudden allergy. Out of nowhere something you once enjoyed is intolerable. Your throat itches, you break out in hives, and just the sight of it turns your stomach. I am sick… with resentment for this part of my life. I LIVE in the unfathomably uncomfortable crevice between a seemingly immovable rock and a Russian-prison-type hard place. I am a grown up, or so they tell me. But I seem to be failing miserably. I have no job, I dread calling my mother because my dreams are nebulous and I can’t even explain them to myself. That does not fly with Jamaican moms, or any moms really. “What are you waiting for!? Do you want a dream job or do you want to make a living!? You didn’t go to college to stay on someone’s couch!” On that we can agree. This isn’t what I worked for, dream about. My dreams aren’t concrete. I can hardly decipher them. I’m growing and changing every day, I hardly have a grasp on myself. I want everything, and in pursuing a handful of stars, I have nothing but air trapped in weak fists. The fight is mostly in my head. With faceless naysayers chasing me in a hamster wheel. Run Roze, run. To nothing, from nothing, to nowhere.

IDK, I guess I’m back or whatever.

Roze Goes

Update: 10 Random Things

Hello you guise! Welcome to 2014! I know I’ve been gone and it has been a struggle-and-a-half just remembering my password, but I am back and already it feels natural. Like no time has passed; like it was just yesterday. I had so may things I wanted to discuss, to share. Last semester was a nightmarish blur and here I am, on the edge of the real word; staring down the barrel of my last semester ans an undergraduate student. Crap!

As much as I want to get mushy and wax poetic, I just haven’t the time. Here’s what’s been going on in a brief, but informative list.

1. Be true to yourself. Even if/when it hurts you. The truths you stifle and swallow now, will come back as burning bile.

2. I have hair. It’s not what the naturalist-as have it cracked up to be. I miss clippers.

3. Clean up your iTunes; if Fallout Boy doesn’t represent you anymore, it’s OK.

4. Stop saving those clothes for “the right occasion”, you may eventually get fat. Wear a ball gown on campus.

5. It’s HARD to live in two times at once: fulfilling your commitments in one chapter (college), while preparing for another (whatever’s after college, IDK Starbucks!?)

6. I have no idea how to file taxes, and at any rate I’m too poor to.

7. Do what fulfills your soul, what best befits your personal growth path.

8. Growing up sucks BOOTY CHEEKS!!! Big Ole Cherokee (yes, the adult film star, no this is not an invitation to ask me about my business) butt cheeks! … but I wouldn’t (not that I could!) have it any other way.

9. Depression is REAL! (yes, this includes black folks) … but so are all the reasons not to be. 🙂 You can’t do any of the things I mentioned if you can’t forgive yourself first.

10. Pick a role model; for deep reasons, for shallow reasons, for career advice, or how to learn the eyebrow-concealer trick! Have a few, have a bunch, but always be wanting MORE from yourself and life. Enlist the help of someone who can show you how! You are worth it!

I missed this space, this freedom. I will try not to leave you guise for so long. I was away, but I can bring you too!

Nancy Not-So Negative

P.S. LEAVE ME ALONE PHONE!! I’m threatening to move into a cave!

Freedom Fighter

Who will fight for me? With balled fists and hoarse throats? For my restless spirit, my tired smile. Who will wake every morning and tend to my bruised heart; whispering reassurances across its weakened valves, pushing blood to my cold fingers and toes. Who everyday remind me of what I deserve; spinning a fairy tale web of my prince over the horizon? Who will issue me my badges of honor for fighting valiantly through every heartbreak? Who will work tirelessly to put together my sharp jigsaw puzzle pieces with darting eyes and bloodied fingers? I will; quietly and reluctantly. Trying hard to forget that this isn’t the first time. I would rather leave them broken and irreparable. If stay brokenhearted there can be no heart to break. I paint the picket signs and hang the barbed wire you crawled through to get here. I refill the moat with unimaginable bloodthirsty beasts. An inevitable enterprise, an exercise in futility. I undo myself each night. Unlock the doors and crack the windows, let you in every time. Faceless invader with big hands and kind smile. Rob me. Take everything. My love is not for me. A renewable resource. My threshold so high that I sweeten my tears with coffee. I will fight, and I will lose. perforated armor and empty grenades. I will fight for me, and I will lose with all my heart.

I’m A Pretty, Pretty, Butterfly!

What’s up ladies and gentlefingers!
I’m back from my shame fueled guilt cocoon, Oh how I have missed thee! So much has happened in the last few weeks. The spring semester wrapped up, I’m now #teamiPhone, it’s summer time in my corner of the world and everyday is palm tree hell!!!!

Real quick question:
If the predicted temperature is 90 degrees, but the “real feel” is 94, then isn’t it 94 degrees!?!? I feel heat, I don’t imagine it!!! Curse you weather men! [angrily shakes fist]

I’m learning so much in such a brief period of time. The last few weeks have been filled with repercussions and rewarding lessons. Personal development can come from so many directions and in so many forms. Failure is an excellent teacher; however it depends on what you take from it. You can learn to exceed your own expectations, or drown in your misfortunes. Either decision is easy to make and equally life changing. Depression has taught me a lot as well. It reminds you of your shortcomings when the sky is most grey and your will fails you. It also shows you who cares for you, and speaks volumes about your inner strength when you climb triumphantly from the fathomless pit like Bruce Wayne and save your own Gotham city.

Finally, taking chances, doing something you’ve never done to get something you’ve never had, bolsters your heart in ways I could never describe. God, I hope these aren’t temporary gains! I want to stay this hopeful, this confident and this motivated! For the first time in a long time I am SUPER WINNING!!! [ SShhh!! Don’t say that too loud, the universe might hear!]

Ok, I’m done writing Hallmark cards. I had to spill for a second and tell you what I’ve been up to…

Here are a few less mushy lessons I’ve picked up:
1. Poofreading is a skillet.
2. Have an up-to-date copy of your résumé ready ALWAYS!
3. You gotta know your limits, ask for help when it gets too bad. (Your circumstances, your behavior, or your emotions.)
4. Every iPhone has a little of Steve Jobs’ DNA in them. That’s what gives em magic. (I named my baby Morris, cause he’s dark chocolate like Morris Chestnut)

Racist joke from my black friend:
“You should get the black iPhone, it runs faster!!!”

Someone I care about called and wished me a happy Mother’s Day. Like any non-pregnant woman of child-bearing age, I took offense! He sweetly turned it around and told me it’s because he knows I’ll be a great mother. {awwwww *dies of cuteness*}

I got the sexiest internship in all of life!!! I’ll probably speak about it in-depth in another post. Just know that the stars aligned to make all of my dreams come true on this one. I REFUSE to sabotage myself again and cukf this up!!

I’m like a Brown Bear/JD hybrid! That’s all the hint you’ll get!

Writing a curriculum vitae is REDONKULOUS!! (Basically a curriculum vitae, for those you who do not know, it is a super in-depth resume that caters specifically to the job you’re applying for. A CV is particularly necessary in fields associated with high-brow professionalism, such as higher education or medicine. Here’s a link that explains the difference between a run-of-the-mill resume and a CV http://jobsearch.about.com/cs/curriculumvitae/f/cvresume.htm ) Professionalism takes work! I’m picking up the subtleties as I go along.

Well Jews and Gentiles, I think there may be hope for me yet. I may not be a professional slacker after all. I don’t think the world is ready for a fully functional, successful, and positive Roze. I’m not sure that I am. Life is kinda thrusting me into things now with or without my consent, and I’m beginning to think that’s better. I won’t stand in my own way.

Look out world, I care again!

Internships and internal shit,

Nancy Negative

Gainfully Un-employed!

I probably shouldn’t sound so cheerful. [Adjusts tone] “Woe is me, I have no place (of employment) to call my own!” No one leaves brimming with joyousness from their last day of work or, or punching the clock that final time … unless they win the lottery. I walked in like a BOSS [pun intended], kicked over a display, slapped some merchandise out of a customer’s hand, and gave the people’s elbow to a toddler. It kind of looked like this:

That is most certainly NOT what I did. Today I quit my job; quietly and with as much grace as I could muster. After I handed my manager my carefully written letter of resignation, I cried a silent thug tear (a single hot tear that streams down your cheek), smiled, and got a Deluxe Chic-fil-a sandwich.  I know how crazy it sounds: quitting your job without a plan B, especially in this economy, but I HAD to. If you knew how much heartbreak it caused me, you might be more inclined to agree.  So in spite of my fear, got my baby eagle on, and flapped my wings with no branch in sight. Now I stand on my proverbial mountain-top and scream my allegiance. I am #TeamJoblessBetches!! Shoutout to the Jobless Betches over at joblessBetches.tumblr.com, two unemployed fashionistas after my own heart!

In other news, a few more writing opportunities have presented themselves and I’ll let you know how those turn out in time. I’ve been super thrifting lately and getting crazy crafty!! Like white-haired, Back To the Future, Doc Brown crazy!! I’m currently working on two jackets and getting together with my stylist-in-the-making friend Crystal. (You can check her out at @WiseKouture) I’ll give you a hint …acid wash. Also, I’ve been having a hard time getting up in the mornings. Not like osteoarthritis hard time, more like “depression hurts” hard time.

It takes me around four full hours to get out of bed. I remember being so full of hope when this summer started. I made of list of worlds to conquer and experiences to savor. I am HARDCORE losing! All  I’ve learned is that I eat a crapload of yogurt. I learned I eat when I’m bored. I learned that I can sleep longer than the average tree sloth. I learned that no amount of gym time is sufficient to remove a F.U.P.A. (don’t worry, it’s a little one) I’m trying to land another gig and relish what’s left of my break. School is right around the corner and I feel SUPER unaccomplished. … [quiet childlike tone] I have grown though. I’ve learned  so much about myself this summer; solitude will do that to you.

I’m glad I have y’all for my adventures and misadventures.

Yogurt, Wrestling, and Unemployment Checks

Roze

… BTW listen to these songs… they’ve been all on my brain like wrinkles.

The Little Engine That Couldn’t…

What if the story had gone differently? What if it were “The Little Engine That Didn’t Give a $#!%”, or “The Little Engine That Didn’t Believe in Going Above and Beyond”? Would we still read it to our youngsters? Would it still be the motivational tale of a caboose that was last but most certainly not least? Heck no! That, ladies and gentlefingers is why I’ll never be a kids story. The Moderately Sized Roze That Quit. I’m like a reluctant caterpillar. I know what the next step is but I’m too tied up in predictable mediocrity. I won’t push the rest  of the train on over the hill, because hills are high… and scary. I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE to become the beautiful butterfly because cocoons are dark… and scary. “CAN’T … STOP… EATING… LEAVES!” Every day is the day I’m going to change… WTF!

Procrastination will be the death of me… but then I’ll be late to my funeral.

Woke Up in Tears…

Clutching hard to these lasts fragments of a dream like a fistful of glitter in the wind. Cheeks red and eyes puffy, face still sticky and tear-stained. I’m trying to pinpoint it. This morning I feel like a collage of vacation photos; space-fillers for an actual memory, actual feelings. I feel like big kool-aid smiles fixed in waxy Polaroids, of family reunions I didn’t attend. I feel like a drifter in my own life; stopping occasionally to observe others feeling, appreciating and living theirs. Standing in the face of my own honesty, the abyss looks into me. I just keep singing my version this one lil’ Drake line (Doing it Wrong) “Cry if you need to, but I can’t stay to hear you, it’d be the wrong thing to do. Cause you say ‘I love you.’ and I’ll end up lying, and say I love you too.” I don’t feel like something is missing. I feel missing. But not important enough to trouble your milk cartons, to annoy you with Facebook posts of a young girl missing, but too old to be lost.  Have you seen me? Yes, I’m sure you have. But I haven’t… not for a while.

(W)here’s (T)he (F)rosting?

I’m getting sick and tired of beind sick and tired of my gotdang self. Like so many panes of colored glass yet unpolished; so incredibly opaque that my window is unintelligible. How could anyone appreciate me when I can’t even see the beauty in myself….yet. I’m so rough, so unfinished, so lackluster. I’m so unspeakably unsatisfied in myself that it cripples me. Because I make no progress, I make no progress. I’m literally a walking catch-22… how is that? Someone help. I’m sitting by the mailbox waiting for an invitation to greatness. I’ll wait forever… grow grey and collect dust if I don’t take what is mine. Call MYSELF to arms. I need a good kick in the pants. Btw… I need to look up synonyms for the word multifaceted… pronto!