Who will fight for me? With balled fists and hoarse throats? For my restless spirit, my tired smile. Who will wake every morning and tend to my bruised heart; whispering reassurances across its weakened valves, pushing blood to my cold fingers and toes. Who everyday remind me of what I deserve; spinning a fairy tale web of my prince over the horizon? Who will issue me my badges of honor for fighting valiantly through every heartbreak? Who will work tirelessly to put together my sharp jigsaw puzzle pieces with darting eyes and bloodied fingers? I will; quietly and reluctantly. Trying hard to forget that this isn’t the first time. I would rather leave them broken and irreparable. If stay brokenhearted there can be no heart to break. I paint the picket signs and hang the barbed wire you crawled through to get here. I refill the moat with unimaginable bloodthirsty beasts. An inevitable enterprise, an exercise in futility. I undo myself each night. Unlock the doors and crack the windows, let you in every time. Faceless invader with big hands and kind smile. Rob me. Take everything. My love is not for me. A renewable resource. My threshold so high that I sweeten my tears with coffee. I will fight, and I will lose. perforated armor and empty grenades. I will fight for me, and I will lose with all my heart.
Tag: stress
I’m A Pretty, Pretty, Butterfly!
What’s up ladies and gentlefingers!
I’m back from my shame fueled guilt cocoon, Oh how I have missed thee! So much has happened in the last few weeks. The spring semester wrapped up, I’m now #teamiPhone, it’s summer time in my corner of the world and everyday is palm tree hell!!!!
Real quick question:
If the predicted temperature is 90 degrees, but the “real feel” is 94, then isn’t it 94 degrees!?!? I feel heat, I don’t imagine it!!! Curse you weather men! [angrily shakes fist]
I’m learning so much in such a brief period of time. The last few weeks have been filled with repercussions and rewarding lessons. Personal development can come from so many directions and in so many forms. Failure is an excellent teacher; however it depends on what you take from it. You can learn to exceed your own expectations, or drown in your misfortunes. Either decision is easy to make and equally life changing. Depression has taught me a lot as well. It reminds you of your shortcomings when the sky is most grey and your will fails you. It also shows you who cares for you, and speaks volumes about your inner strength when you climb triumphantly from the fathomless pit like Bruce Wayne and save your own Gotham city.
Finally, taking chances, doing something you’ve never done to get something you’ve never had, bolsters your heart in ways I could never describe. God, I hope these aren’t temporary gains! I want to stay this hopeful, this confident and this motivated! For the first time in a long time I am SUPER WINNING!!! [ SShhh!! Don’t say that too loud, the universe might hear!]
Ok, I’m done writing Hallmark cards. I had to spill for a second and tell you what I’ve been up to…
Here are a few less mushy lessons I’ve picked up:
1. Poofreading is a skillet.
2. Have an up-to-date copy of your résumé ready ALWAYS!
3. You gotta know your limits, ask for help when it gets too bad. (Your circumstances, your behavior, or your emotions.)
4. Every iPhone has a little of Steve Jobs’ DNA in them. That’s what gives em magic. (I named my baby Morris, cause he’s dark chocolate like Morris Chestnut)
Racist joke from my black friend:
“You should get the black iPhone, it runs faster!!!”
Someone I care about called and wished me a happy Mother’s Day. Like any non-pregnant woman of child-bearing age, I took offense! He sweetly turned it around and told me it’s because he knows I’ll be a great mother. {awwwww *dies of cuteness*}
I got the sexiest internship in all of life!!! I’ll probably speak about it in-depth in another post. Just know that the stars aligned to make all of my dreams come true on this one. I REFUSE to sabotage myself again and cukf this up!!
Writing a curriculum vitae is REDONKULOUS!! (Basically a curriculum vitae, for those you who do not know, it is a super in-depth resume that caters specifically to the job you’re applying for. A CV is particularly necessary in fields associated with high-brow professionalism, such as higher education or medicine. Here’s a link that explains the difference between a run-of-the-mill resume and a CV http://jobsearch.about.com/cs/curriculumvitae/f/cvresume.htm ) Professionalism takes work! I’m picking up the subtleties as I go along.
Well Jews and Gentiles, I think there may be hope for me yet. I may not be a professional slacker after all. I don’t think the world is ready for a fully functional, successful, and positive Roze. I’m not sure that I am. Life is kinda thrusting me into things now with or without my consent, and I’m beginning to think that’s better. I won’t stand in my own way.
Look out world, I care again!
Internships and internal shit,
Nancy Negative
While You Were Out…
I’m like a baby. Well, more like a peek-a-boo enthusiast. Once I put my hands over my eyes, the universe implodes into an unfathomable white hole. At least that’s what I think happens when I neglect to post for a while. I’m sure that’s not the case at all. Your lives probably continue; reluctantly checking your emails, being scolded at Starbucks when you call a ‘tall’ a ‘small’, and washing the whites you’ve saved up for three months. Rather than regaling you with the ins and outs of my obviously posh life fill of celebrity and adventure, I’ll do what I’m good at; making lists. My life for the last couple of months in pictures and videos.
1…. met Rosario Dawson. She’s pretty bad-ass!
2. Homecoming 2012. I’m the girl in the suit!
3. I’m in love with this song and video! It’s like Tumblr had a baby with Rihanna and gave birth on VEVO!
4. I’m actually doing really well in school this semester and am hoping to finish this semester off strong, although senioritis is a B!$H! On the upside, the semester’s coming swiftly to an end!
5. .. been playing a lot lately with bow ties and androgyny. The perks of being a baldie!
6. There was this guy, and he ran for President, but he didn’t quite win. This guy was his Public Relations Coordinator. Explains itself.
7. I’ve been getting better and waking up early to start productive and fulfilling days. They start off with yoga, meditation, and yogurt and end promptly with that. I dropped a post. Like to read it, here it goes!
https://rozewittaz.wordpress.com/2012/11/16/ambition-wale-ft-rick-ross-and-meek-mill/
… and then a little interpretive dance…
8. I have truly come into form. I’m a genuine Jamaican! [insert stereotype about multiple jobs here] Two jobs and I’m searching for a third. I have goals. Non-free goals. Those non-free goals require money, American money. BUT when I get off, it looks something like this…
Um… I can’t think of anything else right now. I’ve missed you terribly. How come you don’t call me anymore!?
Summer’s Around the Corner…
… and I’ve been thinking about the end of the semester and how my summer will go. I still have three finals to attend to as well as courses to take over the summer. the month of April has kept me busier than the hamsters (poor lil tired furry feet) that run the internet. I want to finish strong but I just really wanna be done. I’m kind of feeling like this…
Well, not exactly like this… GWAR kinda went a little left with it…
I have a Summer To-Do List (one of my many ongoing lists)
1. Get back into Yoga! I miss being flexible and centered; one with the universe and all that jazz. Really I just used to get up in the morning, read a Bible verse, do some yoga, and drink a glass of OJ. It was my quiet time to get my day started. But I’ve been “rippin’ and runnin’ ” (as my Mom would say) so aggressively these last two semesters that I’ve really fallen off with my discipline.
2. I want my blog to be taken seriously, so I WILL post more consistently. At LEAST every three days.
3. Little known fact: I don’t have my licence, so I want to FINALLY get that. (tired of “Oh you can’t drive? What’s wrong with you?” commentary… *frown*)
4. Work! Work! Work! … and Save! Save! Save!
5. Get crafty and start on all the projects ion my head! (I’m a little homemaker, tall and thin, here are my scissors, here is my glue!)
6. Network More!! I’m friendly and resourceful, why aren’t I better connected?
7. Go to the beach! It get;s kinda played out in Florida so believe it or not, I haven’t been in about a year!
8. Get in SHAPE!!!!
9. Travel! I want to go somewhere on my own time. I want to visit and appreciate at my own leisure, not when you’re on a family trip and the only parts of Brooklyn you see are in your grand-aunt’s house.
10. Stop cursing! I don’t do it too often, but I’m too complacent with it. It slips out comfortably in conversation like it belongs. (GET BACK IN THE BASEMENT, EXPLETIVE!!!!!!) It betrays my labyrinthine vocabulary! I want to be better!
11. I want to read WAY more often. Not just required text. Mounds of homework over the years make you shirk from literature like vampires from the light. Somebody, please recommend me some a good read!
12. Look ahead to the fall semester and plan out my involvement and career goals. i need to get serious about what I’m going to do in the coming years. I wont be in college forever (no matter how it feels now). Will it be grad school? A 9-5 job? Med School? Will I pursue my passions and roam the world for a while?
Ok so… what else?
I met Finesse Mitchell (yum) when he came to our school! I got a couple of pictures with him, the one I’m using as my background is definitely the BESTEST!!! went to a leadership conference which was enlightening and great! I learned about motivation, goal-setting, and working with others. This week went by super fast!!
Summer, GWAR, and Finesse Mitchell’s ole’ sexy self!!!!
Ice Cream and Confuscious Say
These moves also kinda sound like they can be used in a Kung-Fu battle. (How dare you insult my dojo, I’ve shown you mercy, but NO MORE *roundhouse kick to the face*) I think I’ll practice them right now. *takes deep breath, assumes the position, uses healthy “I FEEL” statements to avoid placing blame* “I FEEL like a lot of my acquaintances are wasting my time. I FEEL like ‘Law & Order’ is a deliberate plot against my education. I FEEL like ice cream shouldn’t be that damn expensive. I FEEL that procrastination is a genetic defect that is unfortunately the dominant allele therefor anyone that would research it, is putting it of till tomorrow because ‘[they’ll] be more productive then’.”
Random Thoughts:
1. I had to Google the past tense of succumb
2. I’ve been eating a FUCKLOAD of chocolate-covered mini-donuts lately
3. I have an unhealthy obsession with “mini” things
4. I have a test on the 6th that I’m about as prepared for it as one can be for a root canal
5. I’m in a random flexy area in my life and I don’t really know WTF I’m doing most of the time
6. I think 5 things is enough things… cool
7. Notice I never listed any more resolutions… #mindheck
I just wanna pass go and collect $200 already… AAARRGHHH!!!!
Am I Suffering From Life-lag?
I’m having a hard time adjusting to fame… no wait, school (I’m sorry, I thought I was Drake again). The semester has started but I’m in a fog. I haven’t started studying or working on my extracurricular activities. None of it seems real. I feel like the cloudy part of the Claritin-D commercial. No over-the-counter antihistamine can help me. I NEED a swift kick in the pants… without the foot though (feet are gross). I made a to-do list… wanna see? It looks like this…
To-do List
1. make a to-do list
… that’s all I have.
I feel like this.
Someone help. It’s like someone is holding my enthusiasm hostage, but my negotiator is busy on Tumblr. I have the will power of the average fruit fly right about now. Oh, and I broke my glasses… fun! If you have any words to stir my spirit, or call me to action, keep them to yourself… I’m just gonna live in this rut for a while. *FROWN*
(W)here’s (T)he (F)rosting?
I’m getting sick and tired of beind sick and tired of my gotdang self. Like so many panes of colored glass yet unpolished; so incredibly opaque that my window is unintelligible. How could anyone appreciate me when I can’t even see the beauty in myself….yet. I’m so rough, so unfinished, so lackluster. I’m so unspeakably unsatisfied in myself that it cripples me. Because I make no progress, I make no progress. I’m literally a walking catch-22… how is that? Someone help. I’m sitting by the mailbox waiting for an invitation to greatness. I’ll wait forever… grow grey and collect dust if I don’t take what is mine. Call MYSELF to arms. I need a good kick in the pants. Btw… I need to look up synonyms for the word multifaceted… pronto!
Not to Toot My Own Horn But…
I harp persistently in my past success to decrescendo the discordant pangs of my ritornello failures. I hearse and re-rehearse these dead notes held in immortal captivity on manuscripts made of pitted lies; the flattened pulp of grandiose recollections. But when this symphony is no longer sympathetic, I will tune into my divine muse and pen coded codas anew. And Bach, and Brahms, and Beethoven I will be. Ode to my new-found Joy.
Ars Nova
Sometimes I forget that I asked for these responsibilities. Sometimes I’m almost ungrateful to have so many gifts and so many doors before me. Sometimes I’m so short-sighted, so foolhardy that I ache for fewer paths, fewer talents, a simpler life. Then it hits me. That no one else could bear this, could hold this world up atop a bold shortcut with hands on hips and kill this catwalk life. That I couldn’t have asked for these trails, my obstacles, because they were promised to me. Struggle is my birthright and success is my inheritance. Then I revel in my foresight and chuckle at my naivety.
So Lately…
So lately my subconscious has been a mess. I can’t think straight and I’m convinced my dreams are coming to get me. I write them down in the mornings now. Pour over them like lecture notes sifting for pieces of congruity, hoping for a little insight. Close but no cigar. Some say dreams are your sleeping mind’s attempts to sort through your waking mind’s problems. My dreams are so vivid, so outlandish, so full of sensory overload that I sometimes I wake up short of breath or overcome with emotion. Even when I close my eyes there’s no solace, no peace. Some of the recurring themes are as plain as day and some others are an abstract blur like a Jackson pollack waiting for me behind my retinas. No “Oceans Eleven” crew, no “Inception” team could make it out of my mind. What am I suppose to do? Where am I supposed to go if I cant even retreat within myself ?
